刚刚才发觉到为什么我一直十分羡慕他人的父母在他们回家。每一次放学，看着朋友上他们父亲的车，都一定会站在那边一会儿，不管他们能不能看到我。直到车的踪影消失后，我才缓慢地走开。起初，我还以为那是因为我有礼貌，甚至认为自己很自私，很想多看他们一面。但，从后者，我应该早已料到，而不是等到现在——原来是我缺乏爱到这个地步。
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
6 June 2009
My SMP hard disk that contains the soft copy of my hard work is gone. Lost! even the disk cover. it just disappeared. Thought it was under the desk but it's not. ALL thanks to her. What clan up your room, then shuffle all the things again and again. My memory is already very bad enough. But funnily enough, I'm not crying like that time when I was stressed out over the Chinese O Level. I just can't cry.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
1 June 2009
After the O Level Chinese Exam, she asked me to go out. Of course, instead of having a nice time shopping for more clothes, she ended up scolding me. Somehow, it always end up like this. remind me never to go out with her again. I knew she haven't changed but instead got worse. Vulgarities spewed out and having a cold war only with me - all characteristics of her deep rooted hatred towards me of causes unknown and incurable.
Anyway, moving on. I feel the best way is to write down and after that when i think about it, I don't feel anything. I think this should be my daily habit and maybe I can upgrade to writing in Chinese? I gave up n my previous pen if you can see (there are many cancellations as the ink does not flow out - as seen in the actual diary post). Anyway, they are reading the question papers I brought home as souvenirs. Apparently, you can bring home each one since you paid for it already. I don't know what they are going to do. kill my self-esteem when the meter already reaches zero.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
Anyway, moving on. I feel the best way is to write down and after that when i think about it, I don't feel anything. I think this should be my daily habit and maybe I can upgrade to writing in Chinese? I gave up n my previous pen if you can see (there are many cancellations as the ink does not flow out - as seen in the actual diary post). Anyway, they are reading the question papers I brought home as souvenirs. Apparently, you can bring home each one since you paid for it already. I don't know what they are going to do. kill my self-esteem when the meter already reaches zero.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
31 May 2009
Oh, just great. The day before the O Level Chinese Paper 2 Exam and my emotions just got disturbed once again. By whom? You guessed right, no prizes though. My father. We have a talkative mother who just keeps going on and on like those irritating songs on TV, a reprimanding sister and a violent father (actually, both play the same roles) that degrades my status. So what's the big problem this time? I was nervous for tomorrow's exam, so I was the last to finish my dinner. he went on grumbling about why I picked at my food and did not eat the rice. Not to mention he was the one at fault, forcing me to eat more. Yesterday, immediately after breakfast of 4 bread, I had a big box of bee hoon then a dumpling one hour later and then porridge with more carbohydrates - sweet potato and so on. Today, it's the afternoon lunch + 2 min jiang kueh + 1 bee hoon. Next time, I will say 'no'. I did before but he scolds me for not eating. So he went grumbling again. Wasn't he describing Mummy, since she always does what he does now? Why not shout at her and then threaten to slap her face like he did to me and tried it our with water and wind slapping the top of my hear and hair. Furthermore, she was the one who always finishes last and eat all the food without touching the rice. Can't I do it once? He also got a psychological problem most people have, but are unaware. I know, and I'm curing my own problem. He thinks that everyone can do whatever he can do. I now obviously think otherwise, hence I would love to be a teacher. So my emotions just got jumbled up, once again. Apart from being sad, lousy, quite unprepared -I didn't finish revising last year's syllabus- , getting a C5 for the SA1, and even my friend winning me, I had to, worst of all, mix my emotions as though they aren't enough messed up already. The only thing hat saved me from total breakdown (again) was church. I kept on thinking of that picture. I don't think I'm going to say it here. So, if I didn't get A1, whose fault is it? Mine, they will definitely say. They just never know all the negative influences and stress they put in me these 5 years. Especially when Chinese is not my best subject. Not like Chemistry. I know I'm not supposed to think of these bad incidents, as some people say "relieve and make it worse" but self-help books do say to pen down your thoughts right? Anyway, I don't think I'm going to stop this writing. Whenever possible, I will write down immediately. As for tomorrow, God bless me.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
19 April 2009
I think this is the first official entry about my sister abusing me again and that I told my teacher about it. But the pint is, they can't do anything much. I mean, they will be busy teaching and forget all about it and I dislike false hopes the most. They make me feel down in the dumps. I don't blame them. I don't deserve their attention. What am I?
And even if they remember, they are waiting for me to tell them. Now, I'm the sort of person that needs structured questions. If I'm not I will probably top the level in oral. Furthermore, there's too many areas to talk about and I don't know where to start. I feel uneasy talking about unpleasant things and will try my best to avoid it. Maybe they should try hypnotising me.
She just specified to my whole housing estate (ie. shouted so loud) that I will follow my father on Sunday to the market. Oh and she did not do this when she was 16.
Dialogue
Me: you didn't do it when you were 16!
S (Her): yes, I regretted it. that's why i want you to do it.
Me: (I'm not your slave!)
Today also have another instance.
S (Her): I'm buying you the cake and I don't think you appreciate it.
Me: (Hello! The cake is free due to gift vouchers. You never buy anything for me. Everything always goes to her. And I didn't get to choose it! The choice is what you like not mine! Why am I appreciating what you are buying for yourself then hands it over to me with "Happy birthday' scrawled over the top? Especially when it is all eaten up by her.
So you see. I think I will fail my O Levels. Look at my timetable.
Sat - CCA, come home to cook dinner
Sun - market in the morning, come back with no mood to study and wasted the afternoon.
My nights are always with no mood to study. So my weekdays are over as well. So I can't study. No time! It's difficult to get into concentration and even more difficult to complain when someone screams every half minute talking something bad about me.
I have 2 more symptoms that I know my situation is getting worse.
One, there was once when one friend of a higher authority in my CCA forced me to a corner and force me to go to my CCA. He had to pick me and not any of the other not so enthusiastic people in my class. I got a phobia for corners, though. That moment, I knew I was going mad. I had a really strong desire to push him over the railing, and let him fall 6 storeys to his death. I really can't control myself. The reason he's enjoying his life now is he walked away at that moment.
Two, my memory has failed me once again. I seem to be able to forget things the next second, even though I'm really paying attention. It's quite funny and embarrassing at times.
I'm going to hand you, my diary, over to that teacher to see what he can do. I want something to be done to her and my mother. My diary only contains 0.01 the information. I hope he picks up the important tip I mentioned earlier in this entry and that will be enough to let the cat out of the bag. and for me to spill the beans.
Below is for the teacher's reference. I thought I will write an email to him, but luckily I found another way.
Music
1) Antoinette Blue by Kitade Nana
The song sings about loneliness. Since it is used as D. Gray Man's Ending Theme Song 4, I have 3 ways of explaining its meanings. Just find the English translation of its lyrics.
Edit:
Deleted everything below as it makes not sense in relation to how I'm feeling and don't know why I wrote until 7 pages in 1h 10 mins.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
And even if they remember, they are waiting for me to tell them. Now, I'm the sort of person that needs structured questions. If I'm not I will probably top the level in oral. Furthermore, there's too many areas to talk about and I don't know where to start. I feel uneasy talking about unpleasant things and will try my best to avoid it. Maybe they should try hypnotising me.
She just specified to my whole housing estate (ie. shouted so loud) that I will follow my father on Sunday to the market. Oh and she did not do this when she was 16.
Dialogue
Me: you didn't do it when you were 16!
S (Her): yes, I regretted it. that's why i want you to do it.
Me: (I'm not your slave!)
Today also have another instance.
S (Her): I'm buying you the cake and I don't think you appreciate it.
Me: (Hello! The cake is free due to gift vouchers. You never buy anything for me. Everything always goes to her. And I didn't get to choose it! The choice is what you like not mine! Why am I appreciating what you are buying for yourself then hands it over to me with "Happy birthday' scrawled over the top? Especially when it is all eaten up by her.
So you see. I think I will fail my O Levels. Look at my timetable.
Sat - CCA, come home to cook dinner
Sun - market in the morning, come back with no mood to study and wasted the afternoon.
My nights are always with no mood to study. So my weekdays are over as well. So I can't study. No time! It's difficult to get into concentration and even more difficult to complain when someone screams every half minute talking something bad about me.
I have 2 more symptoms that I know my situation is getting worse.
One, there was once when one friend of a higher authority in my CCA forced me to a corner and force me to go to my CCA. He had to pick me and not any of the other not so enthusiastic people in my class. I got a phobia for corners, though. That moment, I knew I was going mad. I had a really strong desire to push him over the railing, and let him fall 6 storeys to his death. I really can't control myself. The reason he's enjoying his life now is he walked away at that moment.
Two, my memory has failed me once again. I seem to be able to forget things the next second, even though I'm really paying attention. It's quite funny and embarrassing at times.
I'm going to hand you, my diary, over to that teacher to see what he can do. I want something to be done to her and my mother. My diary only contains 0.01 the information. I hope he picks up the important tip I mentioned earlier in this entry and that will be enough to let the cat out of the bag. and for me to spill the beans.
Below is for the teacher's reference. I thought I will write an email to him, but luckily I found another way.
Music
1) Antoinette Blue by Kitade Nana
The song sings about loneliness. Since it is used as D. Gray Man's Ending Theme Song 4, I have 3 ways of explaining its meanings. Just find the English translation of its lyrics.
Edit:
Deleted everything below as it makes not sense in relation to how I'm feeling and don't know why I wrote until 7 pages in 1h 10 mins.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
Friday, June 17, 2011
2 Dec 2007
Well, I'm not going to waste my time writing all about my family problems. I'll just say it once and of course, I wouldn't want to repeat writing them again.
The problem with my parents is that they will pick on me. Anything. They'll scold me just like all those children in the storybooks. If I say 'yes', they scold. 'No', they also scold. Eg: They wash clothes in the morning. It dried in the afternoon.
Yes - I keep them. They believed it's not dry though and scold me for keeping wet clothes.
No - On another day, I did not keep it. When they came and felt it was dry, they grumbled why it was not kept.
They only believe in one thought - which is usually not a fact - no matter what happens. This shows how stubborn they can be.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
The problem with my parents is that they will pick on me. Anything. They'll scold me just like all those children in the storybooks. If I say 'yes', they scold. 'No', they also scold. Eg: They wash clothes in the morning. It dried in the afternoon.
Yes - I keep them. They believed it's not dry though and scold me for keeping wet clothes.
No - On another day, I did not keep it. When they came and felt it was dry, they grumbled why it was not kept.
They only believe in one thought - which is usually not a fact - no matter what happens. This shows how stubborn they can be.
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
29 April 2007
Boo hoo... I'm crying now. I locked my door. When I heard that Mummy and Sister are going overseas, I was so happy as I could play computer for days! But when it was not the school holidays (too expensive) and it was not after my exams, which meant I cannot play! She did not even went on her her half day off, as it would be wasted. So self-centered!!!
Reflection
This post is extremely emotional that I'm going to stop here first and talk about it. So last time, it can be deduced taht she started bullying me by not allowing me to play computer games and I'm talking about the bare minimum of 1 hour where other children got 3h. At least. So if she is not in Singapore, I could get more playtime. But the circumstances were not to be. Apparently, this was a huge blow to me at that time. Or is it that I feel this episode is much too minor as compared to how she treats me now.
Continue typing (skipping some parts)
I want to achieve good results in my school, but they discourage me (never say a good thing and always say "I will fail") and are never on my side. Which don't make me happy. According to my psychological instincts, I don't even have the will to survive!
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
Reflection
This post is extremely emotional that I'm going to stop here first and talk about it. So last time, it can be deduced taht she started bullying me by not allowing me to play computer games and I'm talking about the bare minimum of 1 hour where other children got 3h. At least. So if she is not in Singapore, I could get more playtime. But the circumstances were not to be. Apparently, this was a huge blow to me at that time. Or is it that I feel this episode is much too minor as compared to how she treats me now.
Continue typing (skipping some parts)
I want to achieve good results in my school, but they discourage me (never say a good thing and always say "I will fail") and are never on my side. Which don't make me happy. According to my psychological instincts, I don't even have the will to survive!
All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Singapore OK... or Not? Episode 6: Unreliable Service on the Circle Line
I wanted to write this to the forums, but there wasn't time for me to do so last time. So I completed it and will post it here.
Unreliable Service on the Circle Line
I had an unpleasant experience travelling on the Circle Line from Stadium Station at 8.15pm in the direction of Marymount on 13 August 2010. According to a robotic voice, the train was 'delayed' as there was a 'train fault'. The train was travelling at an incredibly slow pace, such that you can count the number of supporting structures that went around the circular tunnel on both sides simultaneously. More than once, the train actually stopped. The longest was almost ten minutes. The train fault appeared to "resolved" after Mountbatten as the train picked up speed after that. From Stadium to Mountbatten, which is the station immediately after Stadium, the train took an appalling 18 minutes!
Compared to the East-West line and North-South line, which took an average of 2 and 3 minutes respectively before calling at the next station, 18 minutes is tantamount to the time taken from Kallang to Queenstown on the East West line or Dhoby Ghaut to Yio Chu Kang on the North South line. I find it ludicrous that I could use the time to "fly" from one side of Singapore to the other!
Trains are seen as a speedy method to travel around the island as it goes inter-towns and not intra-towns like buses. With more train routes being added, Circle Line could serve as a check for reliable service, which we do pay increasing fares every other year. Until one day, when public transport excel in all areas will car ownership decrease.
Unreliable Service on the Circle Line
I had an unpleasant experience travelling on the Circle Line from Stadium Station at 8.15pm in the direction of Marymount on 13 August 2010. According to a robotic voice, the train was 'delayed' as there was a 'train fault'. The train was travelling at an incredibly slow pace, such that you can count the number of supporting structures that went around the circular tunnel on both sides simultaneously. More than once, the train actually stopped. The longest was almost ten minutes. The train fault appeared to "resolved" after Mountbatten as the train picked up speed after that. From Stadium to Mountbatten, which is the station immediately after Stadium, the train took an appalling 18 minutes!
Compared to the East-West line and North-South line, which took an average of 2 and 3 minutes respectively before calling at the next station, 18 minutes is tantamount to the time taken from Kallang to Queenstown on the East West line or Dhoby Ghaut to Yio Chu Kang on the North South line. I find it ludicrous that I could use the time to "fly" from one side of Singapore to the other!
Trains are seen as a speedy method to travel around the island as it goes inter-towns and not intra-towns like buses. With more train routes being added, Circle Line could serve as a check for reliable service, which we do pay increasing fares every other year. Until one day, when public transport excel in all areas will car ownership decrease.
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