Always the easiest to get bullied, taken advantaged of, in office and at home, then get scolded

lol crazy father, stressed angry at mother and the children. too many things to wash cuz children stuff also wash at my place. then cannot wash my long sleeve in time also scold me. But I never do anything to disturb him. All the rubbish is from factors unrelated to me, and I get scolded.

Always the easiest to get bullied, taken advantaged of, in office and at home, then get scolded.

Then they shouldn't argue and say that I don't want to talk to them. because I haven't even talk to them already step on landmine to get scolded. What's more if I talk to them?

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.
想听更多关于我的生活吗？请收听我的《心情录音室》。

故事

看到广告上宣布他的活动，不是说4月份吗？怎么是3月？

算了，免了。反正多问，他会嫌我多事，就顺其自然吧。若有恰当的场合，就把这事说起来，不然，不小心忘了它，也不见得是件坏事。

杨丞琳《点水》

脱下自己 盖上你

离开心的舒适圈

我愿意主动被你选择 你却不说话

准备涟漪等着你

降低坦白的门槛

你坚持沉默好过敷衍乱给承诺

七十亿个灵魂都在找同个永恒

以为我们终于等到单纯

你把话说完了 爱领走了

我在原地确实空得单纯

我还是想要对你好

想直接相信此刻心痛是因为

回忆还有共鸣 不会真的失去

我太笨拙 玩不起心理游戏

多想要继续对你好

不介意蜻蜓点水般的打扰

只怕我对你的好 才是打扰

只怕我对你的好 你不需要

意想不到的事总会在无法预料的时候发生。不到一分钟，曹操就走进来。我因为意外看到他，叫了他一声。

家家《命运》

我属于 你的注定

不属于 我的命运

不要命 不要清醒

还有梦能紧紧抱着你

爱写出 我的诗经

算不出 我的命运

你给我的命 下一辈子 再还你

他注意到我，走到我身旁，以前我会为他打起精神来，坐好，但这次却有一种前所未有，关痛痒的感觉渗入——我没有改变坐姿，以不屑的眼光看去。谈话中，我渐渐在心里暗笑。

有时，当一个人伤害你时，而你很痛恨他，你不需要费力气折磨他。有人曾经告诉我 “不要对他不利，但也没必要对他好”。就是这样子，我渐渐在心里暗笑。既然我不重要，那你，对我来说，也应该在我心里不占有一席之位。

杨丞琳《懂得自己》

如果是缘分 就献上灵魂

快乐而认真 直到幸福关门

如果一个人 就随性纯真

当情绪烦闷 带自由私奔

不委屈自己　当最配合的人

不为难自己　找完美的可能

美好都有成本　我在乎的是摸著伤痕

还能觉得有感动沸腾

要懂得自己　是什么样的人

要找到自己　想前往的旅程

美好都有成本　我在乎的是摸著伤痕

还能觉得有感动沸腾

越来越懂得　挚爱才有热忱

太勉强自己　苦痛就会衍生

不想让任何人　为我的人生编写剧本

幸福是两个人　由一切自然发生

从想太多　变最爱笑的人

2 Dec 2014

偶然的巧遇 无意间的缘分
两个不容碰撞星球
突然轨道交错

旧的不去 新的不来
原来缘分就是擦肩而过

Both first batch to own the newly-released Xiaomi phones at different times. And only a special few of mine would drop everything and meet up impromptu. You said all the things I always wanted my ideal friend to say. Most of all, my bad habits didn't show - I didn't care about wins for once.

Let today be the start to the best!

Just one sorry that I put it up this evening!

Thanks for being there for me, 雨过天晴了！Kianleong, Shiu Heng,Jared, Elizabeth.

At Kit Shop, Millenium Game World.

— 和 Kazuki Chia 一起 · 觉得荣幸

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

Superficial image

Apparently, even in this 21st century, a senior told me that good looks will take you far. It is sad that I cannot be promoted based on my abilities, but was asked to do braces. My teeth is what my parents gave me. Does that mean I should go for plastic surgery too? Or is braces so common such that it has become a must? What about those who cannot afford it? They have no power to choose. Will they be discriminated against?

March 2013

March 24, 2013
The number of sentences I speak to my family per week can be counted with my fingers, yet why do I end up torn, tattered, weary, and bloody?

March 28, 2013
5 mins after my mother stepped into my house and I'm already having a headache. Now, it starts with a capital 'H'.

March 29, 2013
Into Day 2, and I am suffocated, breathless, and never this desperate to tell the whole world how much I would prefer to be in a Home.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

6 June 2009

My SMP hard disk that contains the soft copy of my hard work is gone. Lost! even the disk cover. it just disappeared. Thought it was under the desk but it's not. ALL thanks to her. What clan up your room, then shuffle all the things again and again. My memory is already very bad enough. But funnily enough, I'm not crying like that time when I was stressed out over the Chinese O Level. I just can't cry.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

1 June 2009

After the O Level Chinese Exam, she asked me to go out. Of course, instead of having a nice time shopping for more clothes, she ended up scolding me. Somehow, it always end up like this. remind me never to go out with her again. I knew she haven't changed but instead got worse. Vulgarities spewed out and having a cold war only with me - all characteristics of her deep rooted hatred towards me of causes unknown and incurable.

Anyway, moving on. I feel the best way is to write down and after that when i think about it, I don't feel anything. I think this should be my daily habit and maybe I can upgrade to writing in Chinese? I gave up n my previous pen if you can see (there are many cancellations as the ink does not flow out - as seen in the actual diary post). Anyway, they are reading the question papers I brought home as souvenirs. Apparently, you can bring home each one since you paid for it already. I don't know what they are going to do. kill my self-esteem when the meter already reaches zero.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

31 May 2009

Oh, just great. The day before the O Level Chinese Paper 2 Exam and my emotions just got disturbed once again. By whom? You guessed right, no prizes though. My father. We have a talkative mother who just keeps going on and on like those irritating songs on TV, a reprimanding sister and a violent father (actually, both play the same roles) that degrades my status. So what's the big problem this time? I was nervous for tomorrow's exam, so I was the last to finish my dinner. he went on grumbling about why I picked at my food and did not eat the rice. Not to mention he was the one at fault, forcing me to eat more. Yesterday, immediately after breakfast of 4 bread, I had a big box of bee hoon then a dumpling one hour later and then porridge with more carbohydrates - sweet potato and so on. Today, it's the afternoon lunch + 2 min jiang kueh + 1 bee hoon. Next time, I will say 'no'. I did before but he scolds me for not eating. So he went grumbling again. Wasn't he describing Mummy, since she always does what he does now? Why not shout at her and then threaten to slap her face like he did to me and tried it our with water and wind slapping the top of my hear and hair. Furthermore, she was the one who always finishes last and eat all the food without touching the rice. Can't I do it once? He also got a psychological problem most people have, but are unaware. I know, and I'm curing my own problem. He thinks that everyone can do whatever he can do. I now obviously think otherwise, hence I would love to be a teacher. So my emotions just got jumbled up, once again. Apart from being sad, lousy, quite unprepared -I didn't finish revising last year's syllabus- , getting a C5 for the SA1, and even my friend winning me, I had to, worst of all, mix my emotions as though they aren't enough messed up already. The only thing hat saved me from total breakdown (again) was church. I kept on thinking of that picture. I don't think I'm going to say it here. So, if I didn't get A1, whose fault is it? Mine, they will definitely say. They just never know all the negative influences and stress they put in me these 5 years. Especially when Chinese is not my best subject. Not like Chemistry. I know I'm not supposed to think of these bad incidents, as some people say "relieve and make it worse" but self-help books do say to pen down your thoughts right? Anyway, I don't think I'm going to stop this writing. Whenever possible, I will write down immediately. As for tomorrow, God bless me.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

19 April 2009

I think this is the first official entry about my sister abusing me again and that I told my teacher about it. But the pint is, they can't do anything much. I mean, they will be busy teaching and forget all about it and I dislike false hopes the most. They make me feel down in the dumps. I don't blame them. I don't deserve their attention. What am I?

And even if they remember, they are waiting for me to tell them. Now, I'm the sort of person that needs structured questions. If I'm not I will probably top the level in oral. Furthermore, there's too many areas to talk about and I don't know where to start. I feel uneasy talking about unpleasant things and will try my best to avoid it. Maybe they should try hypnotising me.

She just specified to my whole housing estate (ie. shouted so loud) that I will follow my father on Sunday to the market. Oh and she did not do this when she was 16.

Dialogue
Me: you didn't do it when you were 16!
S (Her): yes, I regretted it. that's why i want you to do it.
Me: (I'm not your slave!)

Today also have another instance.
S (Her): I'm buying you the cake and I don't think you appreciate it.
Me: (Hello! The cake is free due to gift vouchers. You never buy anything for me. Everything always goes to her. And I didn't get to choose it! The choice is what you like not mine! Why am I appreciating what you are buying for yourself then hands it over to me with "Happy birthday' scrawled over the top? Especially when it is all eaten up by her.

So you see. I think I will fail my O Levels. Look at my timetable.

Sat - CCA, come home to cook dinner

Sun - market in the morning, come back with no mood to study and wasted the afternoon.

My nights are always with no mood to study. So my weekdays are over as well. So I can't study. No time! It's difficult to get into concentration and even more difficult to complain when someone screams every half minute talking something bad about me.

I have 2 more symptoms that I know my situation is getting worse.

One, there was once when one friend of a higher authority in my CCA forced me to a corner and force me to go to my CCA. He had to pick me and not any of the other not so enthusiastic people in my class. I got a phobia for corners, though. That moment, I knew I was going mad. I had a really strong desire to push him over the railing, and let him fall 6 storeys to his death. I really can't control myself. The reason he's enjoying his life now is he walked away at that moment.

Two, my memory has failed me once again. I seem to be able to forget things the next second, even though I'm really paying attention. It's quite funny and embarrassing at times.

I'm going to hand you, my diary, over to that teacher to see what he can do. I want something to be done to her and my mother. My diary only contains 0.01 the information. I hope he picks up the important tip I mentioned earlier in this entry and that will be enough to let the cat out of the bag. and for me to spill the beans.

Below is for the teacher's reference. I thought I will write an email to him, but luckily I found another way.

Music

1) Antoinette Blue by Kitade Nana

The song sings about loneliness. Since it is used as D. Gray Man's Ending Theme Song 4, I have 3 ways of explaining its meanings. Just find the English translation of its lyrics.


Edit:
Deleted everything below as it makes not sense in relation to how I'm feeling and don't know why I wrote until 7 pages in 1h 10 mins.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

2 Dec 2007

Well, I'm not going to waste my time writing all about my family problems. I'll just say it once and of course, I wouldn't want to repeat writing them again.

The problem with my parents is that they will pick on me. Anything. They'll scold me just like all those children in the storybooks. If I say 'yes', they scold. 'No', they also scold. Eg: They wash clothes in the morning. It dried in the afternoon.

Yes - I keep them. They believed it's not dry though and scold me for keeping wet clothes.
No - On another day, I did not keep it. When they came and felt it was dry, they grumbled why it was not kept.

They only believe in one thought - which is usually not a fact - no matter what happens. This shows how stubborn they can be.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

29 April 2007

Boo hoo... I'm crying now. I locked my door. When I heard that Mummy and Sister are going overseas, I was so happy as I could play computer for days! But when it was not the school holidays (too expensive) and it was not after my exams, which meant I cannot play! She did not even went on her her half day off, as it would be wasted. So self-centered!!!

Reflection
This post is extremely emotional that I'm going to stop here first and talk about it. So last time, it can be deduced taht she started bullying me by not allowing me to play computer games and I'm talking about the bare minimum of 1 hour where other children got 3h. At least. So if she is not in Singapore, I could get more playtime. But the circumstances were not to be. Apparently, this was a huge blow to me at that time. Or is it that I feel this episode is much too minor as compared to how she treats me now.

Continue typing (skipping some parts)
I want to achieve good results in my school, but they discourage me (never say a good thing and always say "I will fail") and are never on my side. Which don't make me happy. According to my psychological instincts, I don't even have the will to survive!

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

Feb 2007

I start to complain about my busy schedule and so wanting for the year to end. This post will sum up all of Feb 2007.

5 Feb 2007
Well, I was right on Sunday (yesterday) about my mother, only that it applies to my father as well. Not that I don't care, but when 2 avatars just passed me, oh well.

Reflection
I shall include this portion if I have anything to add on. That was a surprisingly short post, probably I was tired of writing the same disastrous things repeatedly. To add the background and make it easier to understand, this happens when my parents were like my sister and did not give me what I wanted - even if it means just 10 mins of computer time. Which all my other peers have, and that leaves me very confused and frustrated as I grew up. Their behaviour got worse, as do my hatred for them, as you shall see in later posts, which I hope to get them up.

10 Feb 2007
I'll just sum up, meaning this is not the same word-for-word copy in my diary. This post is one of my few congratulatory posts. It was the first time I said I want to "put (this) whole diary on (my) blog", which means I have already suffered enough under my parents' and sister's terrifying reign. I also wrote about my first namecard that I created - and I think all my creations fill me with happiness, which I lack in my home.

17 Feb 2007 Chinese New Year's eve
If the saying -what happens today will happen for the following year is right, then:

1. Sister will still be lazy, not buying food (Lunch, when no one else cooks) for herself, and make me do so for her. (Like a maid - she already orders me around then.)
2. I will be scolded by my parents.
3. I will hate my sister.
4. I will brood about my past. (Last time, I endured a lot before writing down one post of abuse, hence it's not in my diary; more will come in the future)

19 Feb 2007
I actually "feel a twinge of happiness knowing that I will e returning to school after CNY", which I believe gives  me a sanctuary. At least, when I'm not at home, I will be get scolded and beaten by my family members for no reason. This shows the severity is already quite heavy at that time. To think that I actually endured till this day without doing anything bad to them.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

7 Jan 2007 late at night

What I want is only a little wish!!!
I can't even stay on the net a second more when others can do so unlimited!!! I'm just going to finish my task of watching Nanoha A's Episode 10!!! It just can't load! And she threatened me not to play on Sloth's Day (next week)! HELLO!!! 2 avatars available only on that day!!! You ask me to sacrifice my time. Do you??? no! My mother - SELFISH, INSOLENT, BIG, FAT BRAT!!!

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

19 March 2003

At last, I'm going to start transporting my Diary into the cloud. it's mostly on the abuse I receive from my family which I hope someone out there can sympathize and help me with. Hence, I changed the labels, Web Diary, is for entries that are not written down in pen and paper, but Diary is so. I guess I can start now.

Apparently, I started receiving these unnecessary scoldings when I was in Primary 4 in 2003. That makes this year the 8th anniversary. Then, it was because my Primary School shifted due to MOE's upgrading. My parents didn't manage to transfer me to another school. In P4, CCA started and there were school trips. Hence, transportation from walking changed to bus, which was quite costly to us, as we are and still not so average. In fact, I would say it's getting worse, as with the scoldings.

 I wrote "My sister scolded me for everything ... The scoldings went on for days." This means that the scoldings took place earlier than that and it had started to hurt me already. But I shall put that as normal.

 Well, you will get to read the escalating of violence.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

Upcoming Elections

There's been more talk on the next elections, but something I'll like to point out.

Before the election, there will be many benefits, like GST and household utilities rebates and Lift Upgrading Projects. This year's NDP heartlands venues namely: Bishan, Choa Chu Kang, Eunos, SengKang, and Woodlands apparently should be the areas where PAP support are not as high as these places previously did not host any events. I think the objective is to rally support for the upcoming elections.

Then again, as in the previous election, after PAP was voted again, people started complaining as GST and CPF Minimum Sum was increased. This year and the last was quite dormant, if you had noticed it as well. By 2012, the Government had said that GST will be increased to 10%.

However, despite all the complaints, Singaporeans will still vote for PAP. But I wonder how much I can take.

Friday 13 Feb 2009

All the scolding is really taking a toll on me. When I play Runescape/ Neoquest 1/ Neoquest 2, I need to take down the experience points. Then, at the end of the hour, I will calculate how much experience points I got. Is my self-esteem that low?

In class, just because a teacher missed out my name when reading out the full marks list, I ended up feeling so sour about it, that I actually confronted that teacher. Am I really having a problem here? Sorry to that teacher.

O Levels is coming. Now, I don’t feel like studying, but there’s a lot to do! Teachers can easily ask us to stay back after school, but we can’t stay up till midnight! It’s bad for my health!

“还在寻找那个能帮我的人”

Tuesday 25 Jan 2008

Well, now I know why my sister is always angry at me. She throws her frustration and stress at me in anything I do. Even if I do it correctly, she will talk about the past experiences that I did wrongly. In the end, she’ll scold me no matter what. And she is so unaware about it! She just can’t take stress at all!

“还在寻找那个能帮我的人”