6 June 2009

My SMP hard disk that contains the soft copy of my hard work is gone. Lost! even the disk cover. it just disappeared. Thought it was under the desk but it's not. ALL thanks to her. What clan up your room, then shuffle all the things again and again. My memory is already very bad enough. But funnily enough, I'm not crying like that time when I was stressed out over the Chinese O Level. I just can't cry.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

1 June 2009

After the O Level Chinese Exam, she asked me to go out. Of course, instead of having a nice time shopping for more clothes, she ended up scolding me. Somehow, it always end up like this. remind me never to go out with her again. I knew she haven't changed but instead got worse. Vulgarities spewed out and having a cold war only with me - all characteristics of her deep rooted hatred towards me of causes unknown and incurable.

Anyway, moving on. I feel the best way is to write down and after that when i think about it, I don't feel anything. I think this should be my daily habit and maybe I can upgrade to writing in Chinese? I gave up n my previous pen if you can see (there are many cancellations as the ink does not flow out - as seen in the actual diary post). Anyway, they are reading the question papers I brought home as souvenirs. Apparently, you can bring home each one since you paid for it already. I don't know what they are going to do. kill my self-esteem when the meter already reaches zero.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.

31 May 2009

Oh, just great. The day before the O Level Chinese Paper 2 Exam and my emotions just got disturbed once again. By whom? You guessed right, no prizes though. My father. We have a talkative mother who just keeps going on and on like those irritating songs on TV, a reprimanding sister and a violent father (actually, both play the same roles) that degrades my status. So what's the big problem this time? I was nervous for tomorrow's exam, so I was the last to finish my dinner. he went on grumbling about why I picked at my food and did not eat the rice. Not to mention he was the one at fault, forcing me to eat more. Yesterday, immediately after breakfast of 4 bread, I had a big box of bee hoon then a dumpling one hour later and then porridge with more carbohydrates - sweet potato and so on. Today, it's the afternoon lunch + 2 min jiang kueh + 1 bee hoon. Next time, I will say 'no'. I did before but he scolds me for not eating. So he went grumbling again. Wasn't he describing Mummy, since she always does what he does now? Why not shout at her and then threaten to slap her face like he did to me and tried it our with water and wind slapping the top of my hear and hair. Furthermore, she was the one who always finishes last and eat all the food without touching the rice. Can't I do it once? He also got a psychological problem most people have, but are unaware. I know, and I'm curing my own problem. He thinks that everyone can do whatever he can do. I now obviously think otherwise, hence I would love to be a teacher. So my emotions just got jumbled up, once again. Apart from being sad, lousy, quite unprepared -I didn't finish revising last year's syllabus- , getting a C5 for the SA1, and even my friend winning me, I had to, worst of all, mix my emotions as though they aren't enough messed up already. The only thing hat saved me from total breakdown (again) was church. I kept on thinking of that picture. I don't think I'm going to say it here. So, if I didn't get A1, whose fault is it? Mine, they will definitely say. They just never know all the negative influences and stress they put in me these 5 years. Especially when Chinese is not my best subject. Not like Chemistry. I know I'm not supposed to think of these bad incidents, as some people say "relieve and make it worse" but self-help books do say to pen down your thoughts right? Anyway, I don't think I'm going to stop this writing. Whenever possible, I will write down immediately. As for tomorrow, God bless me.

All I wish is for another's voice to be in unison with mine.